Problems

Compulsive hoarding

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Compulsive hoarding in an apartment, circa early 1970s.

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological hoarding or disposophobia^[1] or the Messie mindset) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire (and failure to use or discard) a significant amount of possessions, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding causes significant clutter and impairment to basic living activities, including mobility, cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping. A person who engages in compulsive hoarding is commonly said to be a "pack rat", in reference to that animal's apparent fondness for material objects.

It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is an isolated disorder, or rather a symptom of another condition, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[2] Hoarding unnecessary possessions may be referred to as syllogomania.

Living in a basement really doesn't help my case since every little thing is slightly dusty and the lack of air-flow results in potent smells of gum, lotions, old perfumes... bleh I hate it down there right now! And it's dark too. That's no excuse for my strange overflow of scraps of paper, old magazines, random ripped envelopes that have been sitting in some boxes since I was 13! I cleanced out the majority of the useless stuff but I still have sooo much. I can't stand it down there right now though so I'll stay up here on ground level and breath out the window.

ANAL-lyzing and postal men

Maybe I never did hurt anyone, maybe I just hurt myself. And every little time I apologize to people, I'm apologizing to myself for what is. Then in my dreams those people finally apologize back and I forgive them for the first time. In that, I forgive myself... one step closer to never hurting myself in the first place.
Humans analyze every little element of their being (well, SOME do)... it's such a refined version of instincts. Does this mean I am more evolved thanks to my careful view and reflection on things? Probably no... but I'll take that. It's fun to toss around the possibly of my issues being strengths.
I spend dozens of hours a week meeting with friends over meals or coffee (now tea since I've given up the caffine addiction) listening to these tragic stories of these goddess-like young women struggling through life with depression, self-doubt, failed relationships (boys, I may never forgive you for the pain that has ensued you), addictions, and the gnawing feeling in our guts that we know time is slipping through our fingers.
With every breath we take, one less of life. How beautiful, how interesting. Nothing makes a more intense feeling than hopelessness. It's life, the pain, and it never goes away. So we might as well respect it and make our effort to improve ourselves as we heal. This is the only time we're guaranteed...
No one. No. One. deserves to feel this way, to suffer. Especially you, who might read this. I love you too much. It can't always be controlled but when we have each other maybe we can squeak by through life with a smile some of the time xo
Also, I'd like to become friends with a postal worker. I don't care what kind. Does anyone know where these people reside? I feel like they are this secret clan... One that doesn't intereact with the outside world... oh, wait. Those are ballerinas I'm thinking of (the last part at least).

Danger is my new middle name...

Melancholy girls make the best angsty art hang out friends... Just a realization. You know who you are; and I love you!

mememememe

I've realized that I really appreciate when people share things they like with me so I am putting up what I've been up to on my lovely lappy I named feeshy- fish! They're mostly blogs, random photo sites, videos of mine, things more people should know about <3 width="425" height="344">
(creds to my lovely sister Katie)
http://imboycrazy.com/
http://feaverishphotography.com/blog/2010/01/cate-underwood/
http://yellsaccani.com/work.html
http://yayeveryday.com/
http://www.facebook.com/pages/ballerina-project/22455674948
http://vimeo.com/5547271
Also here is a list of musical artists you should know about (credit again given to Katie, as well as Vimala and Tyler):
The Hush Sound
The Format
Nevershoutnever
Vampire Weekend
Automatic loveletter
Bright Eyes
Cat Power
M Ward
Death Cab for Cutie
Fruit Bats
Phoenix
MGMT
A Fine Frenzy
Dandy Warhols
Chromeo
Tu Fawning
... They're not unheard of bands but they matter to me so yes, if you found anything new/ you appreciate, then yay! Also, I draw some BA pictures and flow charts... more to come :]

Save Me the Waltz

I have so much to express but really don't care for words... that's why I'm a dancer! So why am I a-ba-loggin so darn much?! Nothing else to do, son. So yes, I should probably join a knitting club or something to kill all this time but I keep my schedule open in hopes to be spontaneous and vitalize this loser time. I sit around hoarding beautiful, inspiring, hilarious pictures, reading books and poems, listening to music... I'm cultivating myself, I guess. Is that the proper use of the word? Well, I'm peeling layers off the onion (thanks, Shrek!). I write a lot of letters and rants I'll never send or publish, I go out attempting to meet new and interesting people... I should try I bit harder. I know too many fun and interesting new things to just keep to myself. I go out to coffee with friends but I don't have a lot to share, I'm lacking juicy stories. I do a lot of processing of already processed subjects with them. Before we know it we're gonna turn to twinkies, I swear! Bleh. Well, that's ok, we're just mastering ourselves. Sure. I've forgiven people, I'm smiling more every day, I'll get back to the old me and be better than I ever was- I think I might already be. I know I'm a good dancer, and a good person. A person that holds doors open, makes eye contact with everyone, smiles constantly, gives the money she has, doesn't lead boys on, listens to people with an open mind, has the self control to change herself for the better. I know that I am a talented dancer that has the facility to make every line that world famous dancers make, the flexibility that most dancers will never achieve, the spark in my eye that can't be taught, and knows how to work hard... So why can't I just reach out and take my future?! Good question. Good question indeed.

Black, white, gray, and nude

I'm lacking words right now.

The newest thing to change my life...

I read this book in one day on my drive back from SF in the car with my fam (The auditions went very well in my opinion, thank you very much!) And yea... My goals: No more cow's milk, CHEESE, butter, random animal additives, eggs, etc! It will be a struggle with pastry shit but other than that I think I'll be pretty ok. G*d, These are the kinds of things I would tell and rant to my bf and before him my bff... It's so weird to be initially telling myself about my day but feeling pretty ok about it! What a cheeseball I am. ((thanks spellcheck, I would never had known that I spelled "cheese ball" wrong, grow a pair! ok, I'm snippy, I should head to bed, but I'm oh so very excited about my new found lifestyle... I want to take it to dignity of my lotions, toothpaste, shampoos, replacing coffee with tea, getting the enzymes and vitamins and minerals from raw foods-- what a fun time!

I heart SF.

Sitting on the hotel bed watching cable tv and eatin starbucks pastry for dinner with my sister... In San Francisco. Bingo baby.
Being here, experiencing what could be my possible new life makes me feel revived, strong, and looking ahead. It distracts me like nothing else but strangely I can't clear my mind of people from my past, and who I pictured would be beside as I explore this city isn't beside me at all. Soon I'll part from my sister, parents, my Eugene family and friends, my ballet family etc. I have so much in Eugene but I am excited for this flurry of risk and opportunity. <3

Sylvia Plath

I actually read a full book in one day! The last book she wrote; Ariel. Her words are rather frightening... I'm interested to read her earlier books. My favorite quote was at the end of one of her poems- "We know what lies are for." So bold. I feel like there is a fine line between bitterness towards the world and the truth.

YEA!

I'm just hoping I get into LINES ballet... the girls here are so interesting, it's like their outer shell doesn't exist to them. They have beautiful souls and are incredibly artistic... but just throw their hair up, don't wear make up... There certainly is some potential for happiness there. The dancing just pushes you to the edge!

Rory Gilmore's love life is nothing like it is in the real world

Boys have to be won over, coddled, they lie, they dissapoint, and in the end they're worth their weight in tears. Curse you, Gilmore Girls!

ON MY WAY TO SF FOR AUDITIONS, BITCHES!!!

Salt in the wound

I run off of just enough to stay where I am. On a good day, I make progress.



























































I think I also be a slight snob... but I'm ok with that. I'm the nicest snob I know.

Bowchicabowow!

Gillmer Duran's Without a Cover, Common Ground and Darkside of the Moon with Floydian Slips?! I think yes!!! Very exciting. It's gonna be a beautiful show, I'm oh so excited for it.

Journaling

The healthiest thing to do for yourself! All those things you second guess saying in fear of judgment or pain... Journal will listen. I keep my thoughts poured over the cheap notebook paper, splatter it with my favorite pictures from magazines... doodle when I feel like it. I love it! It gets me closer to what kind of person I might actually do, and then sometimes my "ah-ha" moments come while talking with a friend but I am thankful for this time to get a grasp on what's mine... Life, it's so beautiful and risky!

Late Night Bike Rides

My new favorite thing! It's so peaceful and quiet and slightly dangerous... Everything is more beautiful at night. I've thought this since I was a little kiddie.
My dear friend Vimala accompanies on these adventures usually to coffee shops at the University, vegan bakeries, rides along the river, we even visited my sister at high school last week! Even if I don't have the opportunity to dance in this upcoming performance at least I'm experiencing other things. I've also learned to made some kick-ass granola and to some serious contemplation on my life.

Conversations, recently.

"You aren't crazy or psycho. It seems like you just have no one, or few people to talk to."

"Amanda doesn't care. She's chill. She's pretty much like a dude."

"I want to see that Amanda that is always smiling again."

"Do you get lonely?"

"Everything you do starts with how you wake up in the morning."

Wristcutters-A love story-2007

"there is love after death" i'm looking for someone to talk to to kill time with like a mid-evil warrior kills orks... let me know if you know anyone up for this challenge.